I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
