I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
