she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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