i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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