Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
