I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
