Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
