My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
