Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
