I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
