Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
