the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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