because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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