Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
