The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
