I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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