i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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