yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
