I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
