What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
