Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
