I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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