JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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