Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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