I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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