In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
