Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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