i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
