Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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