Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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