she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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