8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
