I cannot find my penis.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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