I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
