If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
