well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
