We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
