just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
