I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
