i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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