So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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