its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize