I think scott just propositioned me for sex
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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