Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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