i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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