I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
third nipple confirmed
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
