Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
