she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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