I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
