just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
