well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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