So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize