I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
