I'm pants shitting drunk right now
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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