Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
