I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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