I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
People in love make me want to vomit
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
