His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
