I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
