she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize