My friends, they love my intelligence
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
