the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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