Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
40s are totally the cure
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
