im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
